MEATBALLERS ACHIEVE UNTHINKABLE, GO OVER .500
Johnston pay raise takes effect, monthly pay now .45 cents
 
3-24-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - “These guys smoke mule balls.”
 
Those words were commonly muttered amongst disillusioned fans during the first two seasons of Meatballer Monday Night Co-ed D softball. No longer. Behind the strong pitching performance of Steven “I dont like to wipe” Christensen (who has added a slurve to his pitching repertoir), and the solid defense of Shannon “My a$$ doesnt fit in these pants” Harcourt, the Meatballers eclipsed the .500 mark for the first time in team history, advancing their record to 3-2. The end result seemed in doubt late when an Ista player was called safe at home despite every effort by Lauren “Don Cheadle” Tolly Johnston to swipe him out with her left boob. Ista had closed the gap from 6-2 to 6-4, and this one had the makings of a classic Meatballers “Oops, I sharted in my boxer briefs” collapse. But as has been stated previously, this is a different group of Meatballers. These Meatballers have moxie. These Meatballers have resolve. These Meatballers put tabasco sauce on their bologna sandwiches. They know no other option other than victory. And victorious they were.
 
After the game, Coach Meatball had this to say about his teams effort: ” I thought we did pretty well out there. The men on this team certainly arent going to win any beauty contests, and their personal hygiene leaves much to be desired, but they certainly gave it their all. As for the ladies - well, they smell bad.”
 
On a side note, Lauren “Not very good Don Cheadle Impersonator (Did you see me in “Traitor?”) Tolly Johnston asked for and received a pay raise from Meatballers brass, moving her monthly salary from .425 cents to .45 cents.
 
- Associated Press

Back by popular demand (No, Really…..)
 
GAME 1 Final - KINGS AND QUEENS alot, MEATBALLERS not alot
 
Not much to say here. The Meatballers simply stunk like old meatballs. They lost to this large bunch of rednecks in every way possible. Steven even tried to bean a few guys. On a positive note, Im fairly certain one of Pat Zinn’s testes flopped out while running down another fly ball.
 
GAME 2 Final - MEATBALLERS 13, DEKALB OFFICE 12
 
While the Meatballers reverted to some of their old ways here (blowing a 4 run lead in the last inning via walks, errors, and pants-crapping), a new Meatballer tradition may have been formed. Trailing 12-11 in the final inning of this extravagant fiasco, the Meatballers decided enough was enough. Steven “I tried to bend over” Christensen singled in Crackhead Kovacik late in the inning to tie up the score. Then, a funny thing happened. BJ “Wet Farts” Kovacik came up to the plate. After swinging at one of the worst pitches in APRD Monday Night CO-ED D Softball league history (may go down as the “Swing” of ‘09), most hope was lost. However, Kovacik suprised everyone on the next swing and bounced a grounder past the second baseman for the game winning RBI. These Meatballers are a resilient bunch, albeit not a very attractive one. They evened their record at 2-2 going into the middle of the season.
 

With a healthy squad of players numbering 8, the Meatballers took the field in the grueling cold last night. Pat “Red” Zinn and Erica Dougherty did their damndest to man the outfield shorthanded, but quite frankly - it just wasnt enough. Steven ” I hate home plate” Christensen was having control issues, and the rest of the Meatballer squad was having their normal defense issues (lack of any athletic ability.) This lead to Exide opening up a commanding 15-3 lead on the undermanned Meatballers. But a Meatballer never gives up. The squad battled back with 5 unanswered runs but the time was too late, and they fell 15-8.

Special mention goes out to Crackhead for striking out two times in a row, and to Marc for popping up twice in one game. Great job!

It should also be noted that Shannon likes balls going between her legs.

See you next week.