MEATBALLERS LOSE, STEROID ALLEGATIONS TEAR THROUGH CLUBHOUSE
                              Johnston plays third, catches a ball
 
4-21-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - The Meatballers lost yesterday, and even so, more serious matters were on the mind of the squad the morning after. Senator Jason Johnston released the “Johnston Report” in the tweening hours of yesterday evening, and the initial reports were not positive. Lou “Offensive Lineman” Russo has been implicitly accused of substance abuse.
 
Teammates have wondered in recent weeks how Lou has managed to get the ball past the pitcher. Now, all of those questions may have been answered. Please note that these allegations are just that, only allegations at this point. But if these implications do turn out to be true, it could spell doom for a once promising Meatballer season in which they have won more games than in any season past. 4.
 
After the game, when the news ripped through the Meatballer clubhouse like a shart through the back of Steven Christensens shorts, players were shocked and silent. Lou “Lousso” Russo sat at her corner locker in dismay. “I dont know what to say. I thought it was cheese sauce.” She then claimed to be clean, stating that her recent improvement at the plate was purely mental. “I’ve been doing a lot of crosswords lately,” she stated. When we questioned fellow Meatballer Brad “Oops that one was messy” Kovacik, he stated that he stands behind his fellow Meatballer. “She may be a dirty hooker, but she’s our dirty hooker.”
 
We will continue to update this story as more information arrives.
 
As for the game - the Meatballers flat out stunk like coach Meatball’s left ball. They dropped fly balls like it was fashionable, and for the third game in a row, outfielder Brad “Canadian Tuxedo” Morton shat his pants while running down a line drive. Coach Meatball forgot the huggy wipes this week, so the Meatballer bench was a unpleasant abode for the rest of the evening. This may have been the reason for the poor performance, but we have no metrics to quantify that at this time. More research may be performed.
 
Finally - Steven “I farted and a little beer came out” Christensen opened the game with a double. He was clocked from home to second in 2.37 minutes, a new Christensen best. Lauren Cheadle Johnston Tolly Holoogala caught a fly ball, the first of her career. Meatballers brass expect that this may never happen again. Ever.
 
- Associated Press

MEATBALLERS BACK OVER .500, BUT NOT FOR LONG
Expected to lose remaining games in embarassing fashion
                 **Johnston takes leave of absence**
 
4-7-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - It was a dreary, breezy and uncomfortably cold evening at Willis HRH Meatballer Stadium. Spotted amongst the team was Marc “I collect dingleberries” Russo, ready to go with his GT sweatshirt tucked neatly into his red, rear-end tight sweatpants. Women all over the stadium were seen swooning over him - a few unnamed ladies even went as far as to remove their underwear and throw it at him, hoping for a simple glance. But he would not grant it, too obsessed with his own beauty to oblige. Oh yes - he is beautiful.
 
Now on to the game. The Meatballers got off to a fantastic start, trailing 8-3 to a Dekalb Office team that 83 year old lifelong Meatballer fan Larry Steinberg could have beaten alone on this night. Thats right - they are that bad. Steven “I have a foreskin” Christensen started off in piss poor fashion, failing to reach the plate with his first 29 efforts. Things were not looking up on this rainy night.
 
Then, with one single drop of a ball - all hope was lost. Shannon “Marc licked my muff” Harcourt couldnt catch a real scorcher from the pitcher, that would have ended an inning and resulted in a double play. The Meatballers were heading down an oh so familiar path.
 
Luckily, something otherwordly intervened. “God” had decided to place the single worst pitcher in co-ed D softball history on the mound for the opposition. The Meatballers were back. With a series of 114 walks and 3 hits, the Meatballers scored 15 unanswered runs to take an 18-8 lead. It was all over from there, as the Meatballers flipped the scoreboard for their most dominant win yet, 20-10.
 
Game Notes: B.J. “My farts are never dry” Kovacik set a new Meatballer record with 7 RBI in a single game. Note that several of these came via the “error” by the opposition. Tom O’Dea filled in admirably in left field, but was seen after the game at the local “switch-hitters” club reciting Air Supply songs. Lauren “47 seconds from home to first” Cheadle Johnston has decided to take a leave of absence from the squad. It is expected she will end her leave of absence next Monday around 7 PM.
 
- Associated Press

MEATBALLERS RALLY LATE, BUT FALL TO SUPERCRANKS 15-12
                           Johnston back on trading block
 
3-31-09 - Yesterday, the Meatballers faced a foe that has become increasingly common and frustrating over their 3 seasons of existence - the Exide Supercranks (Origins of this team name not known at this time, and hopefully will never be known.) Right from the get-go, the Meatballers looked like they had drank their weight in beer and liqour over the weekend. Steven “I’ve got a beard!” Christensen was off, and so was the rest of the squad. The Supercranks were spraying hits all over the field - it seemed as if the onslaught would never end. Marc Russo looked like a not-so-graceful John Candy at shortstop. Things were beginning to revert back to the norm for the squad.
 
Then, down 10-0 and 15-3, the Meatballers fought back. They scored 9 unanswered runs to make the score 15-12. Unfortunately, that was where it would end, and the Meatballers fell to 3-3.
 
This is not the end for these Meatballers - it is the beginning. The start of something great. The beginnings of a new, more durable type of Meatball. These are the “Parmesan crusted” Meatballers. It is my firm belief that they will once again eclipse the .500 mark next week in their game against Dekalb Office.
 
On a side note, Lauren “Don Cheadle” Johnston Tolly Darryl Lover is back on the trading block. Rumors are floating around as to why this is, but an inside source claims it has everything to do with her tendency to pass gas at home plate, leaving the umpire dazed and unable to call balls and strikes.
 
- Associated Press