Notes

ANALYSIS BY Oscar Rainbow

1st Round

MEATBALLERS TUMBLE, FUMBLE WAY TO 0-3
         Johnston late, fine and pay cut coming
 
 
 
Alpharetta, Ga - The Meatballers have hit a new, alltime low. By losing to the new kids on the block, Old Irish Pub, the Meatballers are back where they began 4 seasons ago - the cellar. This team just doesnt look motivated. They’re fat, out of shape, and generally unathletic. One needs to start questioning the GM and his moves over the course of a 4 season history. His attempts to trade aging veterans such as Lauren “I use my shins to stop the ball” Johnston-Cheadle in exchange for younger, cheaper options have ultimately failed. The infamous trade of Cheadle to the Okinawa Slants of the Japanese Wednesday night Co-Ed D saki league was an incredible failure. This team was poorly constructed, and now has to consider salary cap issues going into the offseason.
 
Meatballers GM Marc Russo is flirting with the cap of 14 cents, offering his aging, non-showering catcher almost an entire penny alone. In addition to this, underperforming third baseman Shannon “Commando” Harcourt is being paid 4 cents a season, almost unheard of in these ranks. Meanwhile, shortstop Marc “I continually sh$t myself” Russo has come down with Chuck Knoblauch symdrome and suddently cannot throw the ball to first base. This, however, is considered somewhat acceptable amongst critics due to the fact that Russo’s contract allows him to be paid entirely in scotch. This does not affect the salary cap.
 
Other issues that are starting to arise include Steven “I sh$t in the bathtub” Christensen, whos struggles not only include hitting the strike zone but also his continued late night encounters with paparazzi outside gay bars and after late night McDonalds runs. This has become a distraction to the squad and management will have to seriously begin to look at whether his contributions are worth his distractions. First baseman Brad Kovacik, while once considered a steal at the bargain price of 4 Guiness per game, is now considered somewhat of a liability due to his loose stool. The squad has been forced to hire a full time nurse to patrol the bench with wet wipes in case of accidents. Buzz around the locker room has many of the female Meatballers scared for their life every time Kovacik breaks wind.
 
Most recently, the decision to bring on Jon ” Ill stab you in the face” Scott has to be questioned. This giant of a man may be intimidating upon first sight, but his insistence on wearing his glove on the wrong hand has to be a liability to the squad. Club officials say that while he was signed with an understanding that he would wear the glove on the left hand, he has continually shunned Meatballer manager Meatball and refused to do so. Scott apparently has been seen sneaking hits from a flask in right center.
 
The one bright spot for this squad so far this season has been Lou “100 Meter Dash” Russo, who has improved her time down the line to first to just under 12 seconds. This after being recorded at 14 seconds flat last season.
 
Changes are in order for this squad, and GM Meatball may be forced with some tough decisions in the near future if he wants to keep this portly bunch competitive and under the cap.
 
- Jorge Yarborough
  Meatballers Beat Writer

We stink.

All stats from previous seasons updated.